dirty medical jokes

", What did the balloon say to the doctor?I feel light-headed.. He rushes to the emergency room to get help. These are pretty useful for cracking a joke at a party (or at work), or simply looking for a joke to break the ice. If I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord. A dirty double . Triple Bypass: Better than a quarterback sneak Patient: 'Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?' The other 100% was for doing it through the tailpipe., Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria ", 5. Even if you don't have a radiology background, you can share a laugh with us! I never could before!'. By queensland university of technology. ), or just manually add the email addresses you'd like to keep in your contact list. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks." "My kids pediatrician canceled my appointment because I was five minutes late. Get the latest inspiring stories via our awesome iOS app! Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. What do you get if you cross a doctor and a lawyer? It says, Doc, you gotta help me! Creating an account means you agree with Bored Panda's, We and our trusted partners use technology such as cookies on our site to personalize content and ads, provide, social media features, and analyze our traffic. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy." "OK," said the man. The stranger says, "Listen, these pills cost $10 each in the U.S. How can you say they're not worth it?" It's a gateway tug. Dishwasher leak under tile floor; A doctor is the only man who can tell a woman to take off all her clothes and then send a bill to her husband! Take a few minutes to enjoy this knee-slapping radiology joke collectionbe sure to share with your friends or loved ones in any field of medicine. "You look drunk." 3. 'Why do you feel that?' Why did the robot go to the doctor?It had a virus! Why is there a rectal thermometer behind your ear?!" The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses, since you are able to jump in and save another patient you are now a normal person. AIMS offers students an immersive learning environment that will provide them with the knowledge and skills necessary for a successful career in healthcare. What can I do?Doctor: Use a pencil until I come see him.. Son Tells His Parents Hell Never Speak To Them Again After Finding Out Theyre Paying For Sisters Education Yet Didnt Pay For His, The Best And Worst Transformations Seen During School Reunions, As Shared By These 30 Internet Users, 'You Are Not Alone': I Made Relatable Illustrations Of A Middle-Aged Panda Experiencing Daily Struggles (16 New Pics). 4. * "Jurassic Pig". More jokes about: dirty, doctor, food, kids, money A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. ", Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea. Dont leave me hangin here. ", Great for Sept 19th !! Why did the grasshopper go to the doctor?He kept feeling jumpy. Just don't take them too personally. I heard he really made a spectacle out of himself.". COPY. Are you still coughing?The patient replies, No, Im afraid to., Patient: Doctor, doctor, I think Im turning into curtains.Doctor: Pull yourself together!. 60 Funny Dirty Jokes for Adults Short Rude And Funny Dirty Jokes #1. Short Jokes Anyone Can Remember Clever Jokes That Make You Sound Smart Funny Examples of Irony in. Nurse: Doctor, theres a patient on line one who says hes invisible.Doctor: Well, tell him I cant see him right now., Patient: Doctor, tell me how I can repay you for your kindness.Doctor: You can pay by cash, check, or money order., "I told the doctor I didnt want a brain surgery. A man returned to the U.S. after a trip abroad feeling very ill. "Well," says the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it." ", Patient: Please help me! The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals. Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, that's Gasoline!" This is a collection offunny one-liners, exactly as typed by medical secretaries: 'Because,' I replied, 'I've got tire marks on my legs. She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for? Doctor, please hurry. email addresses were disqulified from the list and couldn't be sent. All sorted from the best by our visitors. How does the receptionist at a urology department answer the phone? Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?, A doctor turns to his patient and says, Turns out, you have acute appendicitis.. When he arrives at the office, the receptionist asks whats wrong. ", Doctor: Youre as healthy as a horse!Jimmy: Thats great!Doctor: A horse with kidney stones.. It's important to have a good vocabulary. 10 Humerus Jokes for Allied Health Students. "Mom? It only costs $10." Patient: Hey doc, are you sure Im suffering from pneumonia? The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed. Our goal is to see every student enjoy a successful career in the healthcare field. What about the boy? Bacteria - Back door of a Cafeteria . A very angry woman stormed up to the receptionists desk at a doctors office. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. What should I do?Take these pills, says the doctor. Also got a degree in English language and literature because grammar is important!Good coffee and good music make everything better. Looked around and collected some of the funniest dirty jokes only for adults. There is no shame in accepting for your bawdy sense of humor and rolling on the floor laughing at R-rated jokes with your buddies. "He replied, "I doubt it somehow. "Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug. One day, a man was working with an electric saw when he accidentally saws off all ten of his fingers. The curtain opens and a pig is seen making love to a dinosaur. Source: tabloidindia.com The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth it." What will happen to her?Eventually, said the doctor. No reason to panic. An air hostess ran to tell him to switch off his microphone. Masturbation always leads to sex. Did you hear about the Obstetrician who became a stand-up comedian?Apparently, its all about the delivery for some people. ", An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. I can tell whats wrong just by looking at them why cant you?, Patient: "Doctor, Ive got a month to feed. One afternoon, a man went to his doctor and told him that he hasn't been feeling well lately. ", 5. Jones, you may want to sit down. Why did the chicken cross the road twice? Jerry is in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.Im OK, but I didnt like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery, he answered.What did he say? asked the nurse.OOPS!, Doctor: I accidentally left my gloves inside your stomach during your operation. ", Bloke in hospital with 60% burns, Dr. says, "Give him two Viagra." Let's make music on my sheets. ", A stranger walks up to an Egyptian man at the Cairo bazaar and offers to sell him contraband Viagra for 100 Egyptian pounds. One snatches your watch. The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. Cannot exclude a pterodactyl at this point. Speaking of dirty jokes, we have the ultimate stockpile of the dirtiest, raunchiest, and definitely, NSFW jokes for you. A hypochondriac told his doctor he was certain he had a fatal disease. Whats the difference between bird flu and swine flu?For one, you get treatment; for the other, you get oinkment. A doctor and a patient joke; What kind of bees produce milk? Patient: 'Great! The best medical jokes One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. A: You can't hear a vitamin. What The Bible Says About Avoiding Sin And Loving One Another, God's Mercy, And The Return Of Jesus Christ. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. Question: Does an apple a day keep the doctor away? Who stands in for doctors when they need to go on leave? Fight boredom with iPhones and iPads here. A man frantically calls the doctor and says, My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart now!Is this her first child? the doctor responds.The man replies, No, you idiot! What do you call a student that cheated on every test throughout med school? Why did the pillow go to the doctor?He was feeling all stuffed up! Prevention! 12 Patient Care. What do you call a joke that isn't funny? Will you turn me on? Months? If not love, dark, dirty humor makes the whole world rolling. I dont understand what the point of acupuncture is! Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. "The doctor calmly suggests, "I recommend you take her for a very long walk and leave her. Patient: Doctor, doctor, I feel like a dog.Doctor: How long have you felt like this?Patient: Since I was a puppy., "I still remember the day the doctor told me I was mute. Faced with such a brilliant response, we have no possible reply. ", A doctor says, "The good news is it's all in your head. His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off. The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth it." I had no words. Having entered mechanic school, the former physician received the results of his first test back with a score of 200%. "I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes. A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 10 months. When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? ", A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. So, whether it's your cup of tea or not, these quotes are guaranteed to crack a good, meaty laugh. 10 Doctor Makes a Pig's Ear of Operation. Avoid heavy lifting. 11 A Good Medical Joke. Why didnt Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?A cold never bothered her, anyway. He nodded and said, Your stance is far too wide., John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital. David jumped in and saved him, and the medical director came to know of his heroic act. Jones, you may want to sit down. I never loved you in the first place. COPY JOKE. Im dying of curiosity!. #2. A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was sent to the hospital one day. I knew I wanted to be a storyteller ever since I learned to read and write. A proctologist had been in practice for 20 years and had settled into a very comfortable life with his future very secure. After he handed it to her, he said, I figured it out, so good news patient, well heres your prescription. Neilas often finds himself lost in making music, sim racing, watching movies, TV Series and playing video games in his free time. But wait, there's myrrh. Score: 1. "While I was in the doctor's waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Why did the calendar have to visit the doctor?It had a terrible year-ache. Where do sick boats go to get healthy?To the doc! Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes. ", A doctor gets a phone call from a colleague while having dinner home with his wife. Why did the computer go to the doctor?It thought it had a terminal illness. So, I replied, "Homers fat, and Marge has blue hair. Let's hit the road ladies and gents: #1. 13: I'd like to think inside your box. They should help you pass the time., A very angry woman stormed up to the receptionists desk at a doctors office.Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday, she complained.The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. You can change your preferences. "Doctor deeply sighs and says, "Denephew. "Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. By queensland university of technology. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: Man: "Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up! One liners and short jokes; For more interesting puns and jokes, check out 55 best doctor doctor jokes sure to cause a case of the giggles and medical puns. ", Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?Yes, of course.Great! Can you please help me? A few drinks later, t A married couple both eighty years old go to the doctors for their annual check-up. Get a lawyer. One day, a man walked into a doctors office and told the receptionist he had shingles. The doctor told his patient to stop using a Q-Tip, but it went in one ear and out the other. The first Doctor says: "I love doing surgery on Artists, they are so colorful: red Hearts, pink Stomachs, green Spleens." "Is it serious?" Hey Former Cult Member Pandas, What Made You Figure Out You Were In A Cult? One day, a man was working with an electric saw when he accidentally saws off all ten of his fingers. "Man "Why? Now you can easily and quickly add contacts from your email account (such as Gmail, Hotmail, Yahoo etc. I can't tell you that. A Graduate Nurse throws up when the patient does. Patient: Doctor, are the test results ready yet? As far as dirty jokes go, we can safely say that size doesnt matter. A Mexican thinks his wife has an affair but she says he is the only Juan. Doctor, "Tell him I can't see him.". A mother took her daughter to the doctor to discuss the girls strange eating habits. ", Patient: Please help me! "Alright," says the vet. What did the doctor say to the rocket ship? you know, you could do better.. "He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart. My girlfriend's dog died, so I bought her another, identical one. Let's take a look at our favorite short jokes for adults only: As far as dirty jokes go, we can safely say that size doesn't matter. Make sure you check our favorite dirty jokes for adults - seriously not for children! Dirty, hospital, medical, nurse, viagra. Add it the comments, we would love to read it! The patient has no previous history of suicides. you know, you could do better.. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital. The stranger says, "How about 20?" Get him vitamins. Score: 2. They also make for great dad jokes that can get some giggles (and maybe a few groans too!). I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "I don't understand, doc," the patient says. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs. Patient: Doctor, are the test results ready yet? If I treat someone with pneumonia, he will die of pneumonia., A guy strolls into work with both of his ears bandaged up.His boss asks him, Jeez, what happened to your ears?Well, yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang, and I accidentally answered the iron.Well, that explains one ear, the boss replied, but what about the other one?I had to call the doctor!, A man having trouble with his vision decides to visit his doctor. That will be $500." "I have some good news and some bad news. A man goes to the hospital to see if he has diabetes. You're a rebel without a Claus. "Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. Start writing! Wanna take the joke a little far? Doctors ask you where it hurts, but then put pressure on it. I havent heard from him since.". Me: I bet it was a little bit frightening.. When someone from the passengers shouted 'He asked for a cup of coffee too'. Why did the witch go to the doctor?She had a dizzy spell. Have you done anything yet?Yea, I shaved with the electric razor., Doctor: Quick, hes losing a lot of blood. A mother complained to her consultant about her daughter's strange eating habits. Why did the mattress go to the doctors?It had a spring fever. Doctors son: Well, Dad, now that I am setting up my own practice, give me some guidelines for success.. Outpatient: A person who has fainted, Pap Smear: Making fun of Dad He puts a sign outside the clinic: oh silly, silly, naive me.. "Conjunctivitis.com that's a site for sore eyes. There are also medical puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls. While these jokes may not help you find the perfect Halloween costume or rid your house of paranormal activity, they're sure to lighten the mood in even the most grave . This helps a little. Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." 4. He forgot to wrap his whopper. A woman went to the doctor complaining of pain all over her body.I hurt all over, she said.What do you mean all over? the doctor asked, Can you be a little more specific?The woman proceeded to touch her right knee with her index finger and yelled, Ow, that hurts. Then her nose and yelled again, Ouch! (of a nuclear weapon) Producing considerable radioactive fallout. Why did Santas helper see the doctor?He had low elf esteem. ""She had good handwriting.". They tried to save him with an IV but it was all in vein. One day, a woman walks into a doctors office. Hey Pandas, What Was Your Popular Moment? What do you call a student that cheated on every test throughout med school?Hopefully not your doctor. What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil? Can you check it out please?" 74 apple jokes, puns and one liners! A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Two doctors meet at the bar and decide to hook-up. Here are our favorite picks: I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point. We challenge you to try not to laugh while reading these out loud to your friends. "He died as he. "I'm afraid I have some bad news. I can tell whats wrong just by looking at them why cant you?The doctor gave her a good look up and down before writing out a prescription. Why did the Dalmatian go to the eye doctor?He kept seeing spots. Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! 1. Doctor: Mr. Hilariously Inappropriate List of Dirty Jokes The diagnosis came completely out of the purple. A man having trouble with his vision decides to visit his doctor. You must be clozapine because you make me drool uncontrollably. Doctor: Mr. Hell have you in stitches.. Dr. Young: "Aaagh! Pathalogical: A reasonable way to go "The doctor goes back to his office and returns with a pole with an iron hook.The man screams, What are you going to do with that, Doc?The doctor replies, Im going to open some windows.. 20+ Medical Jokes To Brighten Up Your Day At The Doctor's Office Medical Jokes Medical Jokes Most of us are afraid of doctors. One liners and short jokes; He said he could feel it in his bones. "During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? POST. Who is the coolest doctor in the hospital?The hip consultant. No one can crack hospital jokes like medical professionals. "So the doctor gives the man the tablets, and the patient asks, "Do I have to take them every day?". It REALLY WORKS! You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says. A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was sent to the hospital one day. Possible flying squirrel. I don't need to write it down." A dirty laugh borne out of a dirty joke will help you get by. Source: kandanguang84.blogspot.com What is the difference between god and an orthopedic surgeon. Nurse to doctor, "There's a man in the waiting room who thinks he is invisible.". Never mind, I dont want to spread it around.". He put a sign up outside that said: "Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured get back $1,000." The vet interrupted him by saying, Look, Im a vet. The police put out an alert to look for the two hardened criminals. Was that vertigo? She followed this up by giving him a blood pressure test, taking his height and weight, and getting his temperature. Of course, if that doesnt work then well just have to put you down.. "Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; The poop almost always misses the chux pad despite your best efforts. A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of cough syrup.Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks, Well? 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Irish Jokes the doctor. She will rise and shine.. What dont you want to hear in the middle of surgery? The nurse who can smile when things go wrong. ""Oh no! How did the doctor cure the invisible man?He took him to the ICU. The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills. When the examination was complete, he said, "I can take it. To prove he wasn't chicken. So we started telling people that he'd been killed by a colon parasite. Medical Dirty Jokes. . If I was an endoplasmic reticulum, how would you want me? How many doctors does it take to change a lightbulb?That depends on whether or not the bulb has health insurance. Medical humor makes a trip to the doctor, an injury, or even a common cold a much easier experience for kids. Doctor: "d@mmt! Share: A fat man goes for a medical check-up. To complete the subscription process, please click the link in the email we just sent you. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. Want to have more fun? I think that it was probably a duck. Smooth or rough? Bored Panda works better on our iPhone app. Fo drizzle. Any news on how hes doing?, A seven-year-old girl came home and told her mom, A boy in my class asked me to play doctor.. A man returned to the U.S. after a trip abroad feeling very ill. See TOP 10 doctor one liners. I think I should shoot it again, but with a scoped rifle next time. Right before surgery the surgeon says, "Relax, Jim. Q: What is the difference between a Vitamin and a Hormone? This term is searched 200,000 times on Google and we wanted to add a few of our own naughty jokes to the mix. Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. ", A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 10 months.The woman asked the doctor about her baby.Doctor: "You had twins, a boy and a girl. "Doctor: "119". Why did the cookie go to the hospital?He was feeling really crumby. Patient: "Doctor, Im hearing a ringing sound? Because I want to attach to your posterior region! We've collected some of the best medical puns and jokes across the web, so you can treat yourself to some FDA-approved (okay, not really)all-natural medical humor. Funny medical one/two liners that really caught my attention. With that particular disease, theres no discomfort of any kind.Oh no! gasped the patient. "I recently came into a bunch of money.which is strange for me, I usually just use a paper towel . Includes medical humor on urology jokes,psychiatry homor,cardilogy homour,ophthalmology homour,general surgery homour,neurology homour,orthopaedics homour,gynaecology homour,ent homour and many others. "Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine." NBC. Adam turned over a leaf to make an entry. He can't ask his patients what is the matter he's got to just know. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. A son tells his father: you know, you could do better.. He needs an infusion whats his blood type? She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce. Jones: What? Nurse asks, "Do you think that will help?" So it's no surprise that this translates into some great humor in the professional field. A: One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats. ", "I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Doctor: "We have good news and bad news for you, David. Another doctor., Doctor: What seems to be your trouble?Patient: When I get up, I feel dizzy for one hour?Doctor: Try getting up one hour later.. Here you will find the nasty and sexual limericks that we can't show on the main page. "Man: "And? The practice of medicine covers many types of jobs and treatments. She told me to stop going to those places. The man feels nothing. My wife is pregnant, and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before. 2. ""Yes, says the doctor. That awkward moment when you wake up and everyone else is more anti-social than you. "Doctor: "120. Is that a reflex hammer in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me! What is the difference between god and an orthopedic surgeon. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities. We're asking people to rethink comments that seem similar to others that have been reported or downvoted, By using our services you agree to our use of cookies to improve your visit. Dr. Cohen doesnt tell me a word., A patient went to their optometrist and said, Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain in my eye.

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